I’m still learning the terms that are associated with being Bipolar. They all seem like labels to me that somehow miss how this feels. I’m agitated today. I’ve been doing very well for several weeks. My mood has been elevated and good and I’m coping with stress very well. It’s been 4 months since being hospitalized in order for me to take my own life. That was a first for me. I’ve never been to a hospital before for anything other than medical emergencies. I don’t care to go back. It wasn’t unpleasant, just incredibly boring. It’s amazing how much my life has changed since then. Not externally, but internally. It feels so odd to be stable. I’m actually finding it hard to feel ok. I’ve lived in crisis-mode for so long that I don’t know how to be ok. I guess that will come in time.
There’s something that I’ve not talked with anyone about though, since starting the medication. When I started the medication I was still very suicidal. As weeks went on I felt better and better as the depression lifted with every increase in the dosage. I’m not depressed right now. I am feeling a little off tonight, but I’m not depressed. The thing that bothers me though is that the nagging feeling of wanting to die, or to be dead is still very present in my mind. I don’t know if it’s habitual thinking because I had felt that way for so long, or if there’s something else going on. I am under a tremendous amount of stress though.. That’s not changed in about a year now. *wife* is still sick. It’s been like this for months. She has some good days, but most aren’t. Between the migraines, back problems and the digestive problems, she’s in some form of or combination of misery every day. She’s not seeking attention and she doesn’t lead an unhealthy life. She works in healthcare and is very conscientious of her health. She’s far too young to be this sick. The doctors don’t know what’s wrong with her. The specialists don’t either. Every blood test and biopsy has come back negative. It bars logic, but she’s not acting, either. Whatever is wrong with her is very real and hasn’t improved in months… I’m scared for her. I’m scared for me, too. I don’t want to lose her, but there’s a persistent fear that she may not make it through this.
I hate feeling like this.. My mind is racing, but not about anything in particular. My feelings are fleeting, but generally negative alternating between irritable and sad. Mostly irritated ad being sad and irritated in general. No overblown or massive expansive thoughts – yet. I hope I wake tomorrow feeling differently.