I suck at maintaining this blog.

Aren’t I inconsistent? I’ve said here before that I’d update more often.. Hell, I’ve even told myself that. It seems when I have time to update, which is ample at times, I don’t know what to write. No, instead of forcing all of the things going through my mind onto this space, or what I deem important enough to share here, I play games on the computer. steampowered.com has more of my money from the last few months than I care to add up.. Let’s just say it’s a lot. I’ve rationalized this wasting of time to the point that I’ve convinced myself that I need the most minimal type of downtime when I’ve been working a lot.

I find myself using my work as a crutch, though. Being somewhat introverted.. Who am I kidding, I’m introverted as all not get out. When I’m not feeling all that great emotionally I isolate. I’ve always done that. So, for the last several weeks, I’ve isolated. Work has me in front of clients from one hour to a full day or two, depending on their needs. My travel days consist of getting up in the hotel room, getting ready, having breakfast at said hotel, seeing whomever I have to see, having dinner at some place near the hotel followed by hiding out in my room and playing video games, watching movies or in rare instances, chatting on IRC.

Work is the perfect excuse to not be social, though. I keep myself rather distanced from the people I work with, which is pretty easy given that most of them I see only for a couple of hours every few weeks. I’ve not seen my boss in a couple of months, even. If I am home when asked to go out, I simply claim to be too tired. Sometimes that’s absolutely true, while at least half the time I’m flat out lying and will sit around in my underwear and play Banished. I guess there’s some level of irony in the name of the game I’m playing to avoid social contact and pass time as I’m dangerously close to being banished from my circle of friends if I don’t stop actively avoiding them.

So why all the avoidance? I’ve been fighting depression of late. I’m frankly embarrassed about it… Actually, I’ve been fighting it for awhile. It’s just not been terrible. I’ve started tracking it daily which is helpful for whatever doctor doles out medications to numb me enough to not feel much of anything. I’m fine with numb right now. I’ve said before that depressed is better than numb; after all, at least you don’t feel anything horrible. When I’m numb, though, the absence of feeling is an odd thing. In some ways it’s worse because it’s hard to have any genuine interaction with people. Sure, I’ve learned to put on a good act around people. It’s even believable to those around me. The assumption has been since the hospital visit a couple of years ago that I’ve been great ever since. That’s not necessarily the truth, though.

So, why is it embarrassing to be depressed right now? I have absolutely no reason to be. Things are going exceptionally well. My wife and I are more connected than we used to be. That part is genuine. I’m excited to see her every time I get home, and she is excited to see me, too. Maybe the time apart during the week isn’t a bad thing for us. We do make the most of the time we have. She’s working tonight and I’m still up, so here I sit. My first client meeting tomorrow isn’t until 9:30, which means I get to sleep in, even. We honestly don’t have any real cares in the world right now. Yet… I’m depressed. I know the chemical component is likely to blame, which is irritating in and of itself. Part of me always though that maybe all of the stress was just making things worse. Maybe it was.. Maybe that’s why this time it goes from mild to moderate.

With the depressed state lingering on, thoughts of ending it all keep creeping in. It’s intrusive. I don’t dwell on it, but thinking about suicide is still more than just a passive thought. I suppose now would be a good time to mention that I’ve an excellent therapist that I’m seeing specifically about this and that I’m in absolutely no danger of any self-harm. I’ve always fought the compulsion and will continue to. This therapist is a PhD and has been a therapist for a very long time. It’s easy to talk to her, too. We’ll see how that goes. Along with the depression has come irritability. Horrible irritability. She’s suggested that I seek out some martial arts, preferably one that involved moderate to full contact. I could use the exercise, anyway. My gut has grown and I’m tipping the scales with an ever-increasing number that’s well beyond healthy, even for someone of my stature. I suppose instead of talking about it here, I should be actually sending an email to the place that I’ve selected. We’ll see. I’m still getting over being very, very sick. I was out of work for a week and a half, so now I’m booked up until early February. I can at least go to the place I picked on weekends.

Enough about depression. What else is going on?.. My wife has taken a new job. She’ll be working at the children’s hospital that’s also part of the university in the pediatric ICU. That’s a job that I certainly could never do. She’s much better at separating herself from her work than I am. At least with my job all I ever have to worry about is someone getting angry and harsh language. With what she does though.. I’d not last two months without ending up in the fetal position in the back of some room scratching at my eyes. They get level 1 trauma cases in that unit, too. She starts in a couple of weeks. I’m ready to be emotional support for her. Right now she’s on an adult cardiac unit, but that’s a bit easier to cope with. Most of the folks there have had a chance to live, fall in love at least once and have had some sort of life prior to ending up there. For the ones that don’t make it, at least there’s that knowledge to help cope.

Let’s see.. What else.. After around 20 years, one of my older brothers has just gotten a divorce. He’s the “strong silent type,” so none of the family knows how he’s actually dealing with that. Most of us would only see or talk to him once per year on Christmas eve during my father’s annual gathering at his house, but this brother has said already that he’s working and won’t make it. That part is true, with the type of work he does, there’s always a chance to volunteer for more hours, even on holidays.

Our dog is no longer alive. We couldn’t keep him and because of a death in the family that required significant travel and he was fighting off an infection. No boarding facility will take an animal that has an infection that’s bleeding (it was his gums). Since giving him up was the only other option, I spoke with the local Humane Society, they agreed to take him in, get him the treatment he needed and put him up for adoption. It was a heartbreaking decision, but they assured us that as soon as he was healed that he’d be transferred to a rescue for older dogs that they match up with elderly people. I had contacted them because they take in sick pets and they would get them ready for adoption, so I felt relatively safe in surrendering him to them. We called a couple of days after the funeral and they told us that they had euthanized him. Lack of resources, they claimed. When I took him there for the tearful send-off, I told them that if they needed money for whatever treatment to just contact me. They didn’t. Both my wife and I were devastated. We’re still beside ourselves for that. He was a really good dog.

Moving on from that subject, I’m getting surgery done next month. I’ll also be getting hearing aids in February. I went to the ear nose and throat place and they did a hearing test. As expected, I have lost nearly all hearing in the higher frequencies which is made worse by tinnitus. The surgery will be two separate procedures handled at the same time. I had originally contacted them because my wife complained that my snoring was so loud that it kept her up. Since I snore pretty much every time I sleep, that’s a problem. Depending on the cause, there are a number of procedures that can stop this from happening. The cause isn’t sleep apnea in case you’re reading this and wondering. The cause is a deviated septum in combination with a longer than normal uvula. Uvula.. Such an odd word. It makes me think of another word.. Gha I have a dirty mind. Anyway, they will fix the deviated septum which is more involved than I had thought, and remove the uvula completely. My wife is worried because I’ll need to be under anesthesia and will be intubated for the repair to the deviated septum. I’m told I need to take the entire week off following the procedure because of the sheer amount of pain I’ll be in. I’m fine with all that, but she’s not so keen on the whole thing. It’s already booked and I’ve already arranged for the time off, so it’s happening. I’m comfortable with the surgeon and I’ve been under general anesthesia before. Apparently, this will help with my somewhat common throat infections. My wife also said that I’ll make some dude happy one day because of my absence of a gag reflex.

I guess that’s about it. I need to start keeping a journal, though. That’ll help me to see trends and such with my mood fluctuations.


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