Christmas every year is kind of an odd experience. As my father will turn 70 in 2015, he’s a bit preoccupied with his mortality. He’s mentioned that he has a living will made out and such over the last several months. Our family isn’t all that close, so these conversations are pretty awkward. Since I and my first eldest brother, “J” were the two children there, and the closest to him, he showed us how to get into his hidden and secure gun safe (it’s quite the process, really), as well as where he keeps some other things. He’s claimed to start to clean up and organize things in his garage/workshop. Having been a skilled tradesman and loving to work with his hands, he has many industrial lathes and such. There’s also the motorcycles.
I’m the youngest in the family with my first eldest brother being 7 years my senior, and the other two 8 and 10 years older respectively. The second eldest, whom I’ll refer to as “R” is rather estranged from the family, and not by our choice. This brother had literally taken beatings in my place a few times from what little I remember. The eldest brother has an awkward relationship with the family, or I should say we have an awkward relationship to him because about 18 or 19 years ago he was tried and convicted of third degree sexual assault with a 9 year old girl. I don’t know all of the details, but I’m still in contact with the girl since my girlfriend/later wife at the time used to take her to the zoo and other fun stuff. Needless to say, there’s a lot of distance with everyone.
My sister in law hates everyone on our side of the family. She sees my wife as a huge problem because when we were leaving after everyone met the first time she hugged and kissed everyone on the cheek. Everyone included “J” and from what I’m told, his wife nearly had an aneurysm over the deal and bitched about it for nearly a year on a regular basis. He wasn’t allowed to deliver wood to the house we were living in when we first moved back. I should mention that the hug and kiss on the cheek is part of my wife’s culture. Even the men do the same. One hug and one kiss on each cheek.
Anyway, now we’re all prepared with practical matters of my father’s eventual demise. He’s in excellent health, at least as far as we know. He also looks and acts like someone in his early to mid 50’s, not someone in their late 60’s. If there is a health problem, he’s certainly not said anything about it. Admittedly, I’m not prepared emotionally to deal with this loss whenever it may be. We had a very distant relationship until a few years ago. We never had that whole father-son bond when I was young. For the most part, he was out chasing women after my parents divorced when I was 5. We’re still getting to know each other.
I don’t deal with loss very well. It’s far better than it used to be, but still.. I keep myself very distant from most people. There’s only a handful of those that are part of my family/chosen family. It’s been 15 years since my best friend took her own life and it still gets to me at times. I miss her.. I’m glad to have known her and I’m very grateful for the time we had, but I still miss her terribly. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t live in constant fear of loss of those still here, but I do know myself to know that losing my father will be devastating. If something happened to my wife… Something I’d rather not think about.
Aside from all that, my wife’s family remained at a distance for the first time since we’ve been married. That was very welcomed for both of us.
My wife and I have new laptops. That was necessary and was basically our gifts for Christmas. Neither of us are religious, but we still exchange gifts every so often. I’m typing this on my new Macbook Pro. We both got the same model. So far we love them. They are screaming fast and the video card performance is most excellent.
I guess that’s about it. It’s time for some sleep.