Saw my mother today. It took less than a minute for me to remember why I don’t visit too often.

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Insomnia

I think I’ve recited a whole new level of tired… Tonight I’m self medicating. I don’t like the hung over feeling in the morning from chemically-induced sleep, but at some point I need to admit defeat.

In other news, I picked up my hearing aids yesterday. I’ve heard things clearly that I’ve not heard in many years. Factories, gunfire and tinnitus have all contributed to the almost complete loss of the high frequency tones for me, so this is kind of cool to be able to hear them again. Music actually sounds the way it should. πŸ™‚ Even though I work in a highly technical field, I’m always amazed at how far we’ve come with technology in general within my lifetime.

I guess that’s about it for now. My mind is staring to get light and fuzzy from the meds.

3:30am

Damn insomnia..

Yesterday I went grocery shopping. This is a rare thing for me as I travel so much, even when I eat at home it’s either delivery or at a restaurant.

So, I’m pushing my cart around the unwashed masses who seem to be on a plane of existence other than our own and I look up and see a familiar face; a face I’ve not seen in about 15 years – my ex wife. She saw me too and we just did staring at each other from about 10 feet away. I knew she lived somewhere around here, but the reality of that didn’t sink in until seeing her in the flesh.

I booked ass away from that part of the store. We didn’t say anything, and I didn’t give enough time that even if she were wanting to that she’d get it out before I was gone.

The thing is, we parted on mixed terms. We had already grown somewhat distant before we split. My best friend having taken her own life was the final straw. I couldn’t cope. That makes her sound like some sort of horrible person, but she wasn’t. She had been through hell with me with my PTSD at the time, my depression and overall my inability to adjust to a normal life. I’m not saying she was innocent, but we both contributed to the split. She had a thing with spending money like mad, which we most certainly didn’t have.

Now, back to insomnia.. I take my sleeping pill at about 11 and get to sleep around 11:30. My dreams are all fucked up. The usual nightmares (PTSD is alive and well when I sleep), but now in between are dreams with my ex wife in them. We’re divorced, but she’s staring at the old house where I grew up in. My father is there, as is my wife and two of my brothers. I go to get ready and both bathrooms are occupied. I crack open the door and tell into one of them for whomever is in there to hurry the hell up, I need to get ready. I hear the shower go off and the door opens to reveal my ex wife, naked. Because of course she is. What’s an f’d up dream without nudity thrown in?

Side note: I’m not interested. Even my subconscious isn’t interested. If I were to interpret this as meaning anything, it would be because my wife and I, my family and her all live way too close geographically.

She seems comfortable with this and I stand out in the hall and say “I’ll wait.” The rest of the dream is pretty hazy, but when I’m getting dressed she marches in, naked still, to get ready for work herself. Were friendly. Cordial, even. I ask about her kids and her husband, she asks about my wife and the rest of my family.

I leave for work as she’s still being ready. That’s the end of it. Next up: more PTSD nightmares followed by waking up at 3:30. I roll over, put my arm over my wife, give her a good squeeze and attempt to fall back to sleep for another hour until giving up and writing this.

At least this morning isn’t riddled with thoughts about how best to off myself.

My cat’s eyes reflecting with only the light from my cell phone as I write this is creepy as hell. With her rather lengthy canine teeth sticking out, she looks like some sort of vampire Cheshire Cat.

3:00am..

I’ve been laying awake for an hour, maybe longer. I know at one point I glanced at the time on my phone and it was close to 2:00am.

My mind is swimming. Swimming with doubt, self-loathing, hopelessness and the strong desire to die by natural causes, an accident or by my own hand. These thoughts and images are so clear.. So strong.. They breed into a deep urges to a visceral need. An unrelenting need, like when you need sex, a drug, alcohol or any number of other things that work for you.. That fix that will rest your mind and body.. That release..
Continue reading 3:00am..

β€œIt’s so hard to forget pain, but it’s even harder to remember sweetness. We have no scar to show for happiness. We learn so little from peace.”
― Chuck Palahniuk, Diary

Ever have one of those days that you just feel defeated?

I’ve been working on this client issue on and off for about 3 months now. It was something started long before I was with the company by someone who quit over the holidays (too much travel – go figure). Then it was given to another person to handle that had a lot of experience with the software problem, but they’ve really dropped the ball. I don’t know the software that is at the root of the problem and it’s not intuitive. At all. I spent a good portion of the weekend reading the rather brief and sparsely detailed manuals, presumably written by someone like me that didn’t know the software either, then searching for service manuals in such. After probably 8 or 9 days on-site over the last 3 months, I’m not much farther than when I started the project. I’m sure I’d be able to figure it out given enough time, but I simply don’t have the time. I’d like to throw in the towel, but it’s not an option. Our two experts left the company before Christmas, so there’s no fall-back. Maybe I just need to jack myself up on amphetamines for a week and forego sleep. There’s not enough hours in the day…

In other news, it seems the dog misses my wife and I when we’re gone. I’ve been finding dirty laundry in one of his two beds, usually next to his favorite toy. They aren’t chewed or anything, just moved near where he sleeps or hangs out. Tonight I got home to my underwear and a t-shirt from yesterday in the middle of the living room floor, and two pairs of my wife’s panties at the top of the stairs (where he stands guard when we’re not home). He doesn’t just wag his tail when I get home, it’s more like his whole butt back and forth. It’s cute.