I’ve not written anything lately, aside from work emails. I’ve even been bad at replying to personal emails, which is something that I always try to do within a reasonable timeframe, or at the very least, call the sender to talk about what they’ve written if it needs some sort of actual lengthy response. Why? I’ve been exhausted. It’s mostly physical and mental exhaustion. Work has had me running non-stop for weeks with travel, which it wouldn’t seem like it, but it takes a lot out of you physically. I’ve also had insomnia for the last few weeks, which certainly doesn’t help matters any. When I finally have a rare moment of downtime I either attempt to sleep or watch something mindless on Netflix. Writing has felt more like a chore than something I’d enjoy lately.
I’ve also been having a rough go of it with what was mild depression that seems to be getting worse. I don’t know how others experience depression. I know that I’m asked by therapists/psychologists about negative self-talk a lot. I used to do that, but haven’t since my early to mid-20’s. It’s different now. It’s that really heavy feeling in your chest and the tingling sensation in your nose as you feel tears welling up. It wouldn’t be one of those times where a few tears would stream down your cheeks, but rather deep sobs if I weren’t able to contain it. It’s not a passing thing for me, either. It’s a constant. I do get suicidal thoughts with this, but those are kind of constant regardless of how I’m doing. Is it possible that after long enough that this sort of thought process can literally become a habit? It’s not anything like believing that the world would be a better place without me, or any of the other thoughts portrayed in short PSA films or pamphlets in some medical facilities. It’s all visual. It’s more methods, than anything. For instance, if I see an overpass column, I see myself driving my car into it at high speed. Given that I’m an analytical person, I consider the speed needed to have any chance of it working, the safety features of the vehicle I’m in, and probability of rescue crews getting there in any amount of time to be able to actually do anything. Mind you, this isn’t like I’m actively planning or anything like that. It’s just a flash, very much like the weighing of probability. That follows in a split second, then it’s gone. I don’t even break concentration with whatever I’m listening to, or whom I’m talking to on the phone, etc. This goes on during the day as well, regardless of where I’m at or the surroundings. It’s been there as long as I can remember.
Aside from this being rather alarming to therapists/psychiatrists, it’s not an active thought or plan. I can never seem to stress that enough with them, though. The current pair that I’m working with seem to get it, but the psychiatrist is still very concerned. I feel nothing with the images and such. Like I said, it’s been there as far back as I can remember. It’s more annoying than anything. A gnat flying around your head is more annoying than this, though.
So, where does the increasing depression come into play with all of this? One thing that I actually do have that’s textbook is the loss of interest. For the first time ever, my sex drive is reducing. Granted, mine is much higher than most men, so I’m probably edging down toward normal at this point, but still, I notice it. I’m sure my wife doesn’t mind this reduction in sex drive. Anyway, the images come with a certain urge. That’s where things are at right now – the urge to go through with whatever method is available. In the past when the depression got really bad it would go from urge to desperate need. A need like you need water, food or sleep.
My fear is it getting to that point again. I know the exhaustion plays a major role in this. I’ve spoken with my manager about needing to get back on the rotation of 3 days per week every other week for travel and he agrees. He’s backing me on this, though it’s really pissing sales staff off. I’m not sales and I don’t work for the sales group, so they can suck it up. Next week is the last week in a row of travel, then the every other week starts. I think I’m going to ask for some days off in the near future to spend with my wife. The travel has really put a strain on us, so it’s time. I think I’ve mentioned here before, but my wife comes before my job. There are other jobs. I made that clear when I spoke with my manager. They’ve lost 3 of our group because of the trouble that the travel causes at home.
So.. I suppose it’s time to drag myself out of bed, shower and go to the office. I’m in Pittsburgh again. As much as I’m down here, it’d be cheaper for the company to just rent me a small apartment than pay for the hotel all of the time. The rep that coordinates my schedule in this area at least knows that the travel part is a strain at home. The only thing I have today is a demo at 10:00 which should take us 1-2 hours, then I can drive home. Conference call at 12:30 that I won’t need to pull over for, so with any luck, I’ll be home by 4:30~5:00 and will see my wife right before she goes to work. Tomorrow is a client that’s 2 1/2 hours each way from my house.. That sucks, but at least I’ll be sleeping in my own bed tonight and tomorrow night.
This post may seem kind of bleak. It’s not.. I’m pretty neutral right now. I’m actually excited at the prospect of seeing my wife tonight. The post is just saying where I’m at and giving a little description of what I experience with the depression. And to bitch about being tired.. That, too.
Oh – anyone who drives a lot or even has a commute that involves highways – check out an app called Waze. It’s saved me a ton of time by letting me pick the best route to avoid traffic and people also mark speed traps. It’s saved me from more than one ticket.