I’ve been laying awake for an hour, maybe longer. I know at one point I glanced at the time on my phone and it was close to 2:00am.
My mind is swimming. Swimming with doubt, self-loathing, hopelessness and the strong desire to die by natural causes, an accident or by my own hand. These thoughts and images are so clear.. So strong.. They breed into a deep urges to a visceral need. An unrelenting need, like when you need sex, a drug, alcohol or any number of other things that work for you.. That fix that will rest your mind and body.. That release..
What do you do with the deep need to die, though? Most of the time – 99.98% of each day on an intellectual level I don’t want this, but laying here in the dark, that feeling hits me like a freight train..
The audacity.. The arrogance.. The selfishness to feel this; to want this; to need this as I lay next to my wonderful wife in the home we’ve built together and or small family of pets, with friends and family that love and care for me… What a selfish asshole, I am.
My thoughts cloud now, as a sleeping pill starts to kick in. I’ll wake in a few hours and see golden light shining through the trees and windows. I’ll walk downstairs and see my wife for a short while before she goes to sleep in preparation for going to work tonight. It will be an ordinary day, in spite of having desperately wanting, no, needing to end this life.
I hate this condition.. I hate it with
every fiber of my being.