3:00am..

I’ve been laying awake for an hour, maybe longer. I know at one point I glanced at the time on my phone and it was close to 2:00am.

My mind is swimming. Swimming with doubt, self-loathing, hopelessness and the strong desire to die by natural causes, an accident or by my own hand. These thoughts and images are so clear.. So strong.. They breed into a deep urges to a visceral need. An unrelenting need, like when you need sex, a drug, alcohol or any number of other things that work for you.. That fix that will rest your mind and body.. That release..

What do you do with the deep need to die, though? Most of the time – 99.98% of each day on an intellectual level I don’t want this, but laying here in the dark, that feeling hits me like a freight train..

The audacity.. The arrogance.. The selfishness to feel this; to want this; to need this as I lay next to my wonderful wife in the home we’ve built together and or small family of pets, with friends and family that love and care for me… What a selfish asshole, I am.

My thoughts cloud now, as a sleeping pill starts to kick in. I’ll wake in a few hours and see golden light shining through the trees and windows. I’ll walk downstairs and see my wife for a short while before she goes to sleep in preparation for going to work tonight. It will be an ordinary day, in spite of having desperately wanting, no, needing to end this life.

I hate this condition.. I hate it with
every fiber of my being.

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5 thoughts on “3:00am..”

  1. If you hate it then you are fighting it, and then you don’t need to be ashamed. Wanting to die and actually trying to do so are two very different things. I wish to courage to fight it since you want that and I know you can beat it, like you did this night.

    1. Yeah.. There’s quite a line of separation between wanting it and going through with it. I truly fear this getting bad again. I’d still do whatever was necessary to survive, even if it meant going inpatient again. There’s something harder about the night, though.

      1. Lying awake, your heart wanting to claw its way out of your chest, cold, clammy sweat clinging to you……
        I hope you don’t need to get admitted for this, and I admire your commitment to living through it. Wish you better nights.

    1. This is something that no one should ever be able to relate to. That said, it’s nice to not be alone with it. So many feel this, but never speak of it. In the words of Sarah McLaughlin: “we are screaming inside but can’t be heard.”

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