3:30am

Damn insomnia..

Yesterday I went grocery shopping. This is a rare thing for me as I travel so much, even when I eat at home it’s either delivery or at a restaurant.

So, I’m pushing my cart around the unwashed masses who seem to be on a plane of existence other than our own and I look up and see a familiar face; a face I’ve not seen in about 15 years – my ex wife. She saw me too and we just did staring at each other from about 10 feet away. I knew she lived somewhere around here, but the reality of that didn’t sink in until seeing her in the flesh.

I booked ass away from that part of the store. We didn’t say anything, and I didn’t give enough time that even if she were wanting to that she’d get it out before I was gone.

The thing is, we parted on mixed terms. We had already grown somewhat distant before we split. My best friend having taken her own life was the final straw. I couldn’t cope. That makes her sound like some sort of horrible person, but she wasn’t. She had been through hell with me with my PTSD at the time, my depression and overall my inability to adjust to a normal life. I’m not saying she was innocent, but we both contributed to the split. She had a thing with spending money like mad, which we most certainly didn’t have.

Now, back to insomnia.. I take my sleeping pill at about 11 and get to sleep around 11:30. My dreams are all fucked up. The usual nightmares (PTSD is alive and well when I sleep), but now in between are dreams with my ex wife in them. We’re divorced, but she’s staring at the old house where I grew up in. My father is there, as is my wife and two of my brothers. I go to get ready and both bathrooms are occupied. I crack open the door and tell into one of them for whomever is in there to hurry the hell up, I need to get ready. I hear the shower go off and the door opens to reveal my ex wife, naked. Because of course she is. What’s an f’d up dream without nudity thrown in?

Side note: I’m not interested. Even my subconscious isn’t interested. If I were to interpret this as meaning anything, it would be because my wife and I, my family and her all live way too close geographically.

She seems comfortable with this and I stand out in the hall and say “I’ll wait.” The rest of the dream is pretty hazy, but when I’m getting dressed she marches in, naked still, to get ready for work herself. Were friendly. Cordial, even. I ask about her kids and her husband, she asks about my wife and the rest of my family.

I leave for work as she’s still being ready. That’s the end of it. Next up: more PTSD nightmares followed by waking up at 3:30. I roll over, put my arm over my wife, give her a good squeeze and attempt to fall back to sleep for another hour until giving up and writing this.

At least this morning isn’t riddled with thoughts about how best to off myself.

My cat’s eyes reflecting with only the light from my cell phone as I write this is creepy as hell. With her rather lengthy canine teeth sticking out, she looks like some sort of vampire Cheshire Cat.

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