Tonight my vacation is officially over. I ended up working about a whole day staff over several days of an hour here and an hour there, though. In the morning I see a new primary care physician, followed trying to catch up on all that I missed last week. I’ll be traveling until Friday night, but at least this time all of my flights are direct flights.
I saw my psychiatrist last week and we’ve changed up my meds, partly at my request, partly because of her increasing concern of my anxiety and depression. Last week I was a walking chemistry set.. I’ve managed to get down to three medications; Lamictal, Lexapro and Seroquel XR. I can also take Klonopin as needed to stave off panic attacks. That’s down from 6. Right now, I feel hellish inside. I slept a lot during the day this week. Part of that was from being so sick, still. Part of it was being too depressed to even want to get out of bed. I knew that changing up medications would be difficult, so it was best to do the tough part while not at work. Hopefully I’ll balance out in a couple of weeks. Right now, and for most of the last few days I feel like I could burst into tears at any moment.
I wish I had more to say, but I don’t. I’m going to miss my wife this week. I’ll miss the pets, too. At least during the Pittsburgh part of the trip I’ll get to sit and chat with one of the staff members at the hotel I’ve befriended over the last year. Whenever she sees me check in she gets me a glass of my usual wine and starts my usual dinner there. It’s always ready as soon as I drop my stuff off in the room and head down to the dining area. So, aside from seeing my wife Friday night, I at least have that part of the trip to look forward to.
I’ve been thinking about my friend who took her own life many years ago of late. Part of it is wondering how it would be if we still knew each other and part of it is jealousy for her having left this world in spite of the mess it left behind for those closest to her.
Anyway.. Enough of thinking like that. I need to be up in a few hours and need to try to sleep. I’d of ranked today as a 3 out of 10, but I have to knock it up a few points for having sex. Aside from, well, sex, pulling off from some of the meds seems to have helped in that area. So, feeling horrible in the transition, but having working parts and the opportunity to actually use them was cool. That has to be worth something.