I’m feeling pretty down, still. Being sick isn’t helping matters, either. I need to get many bloodwork redrawn as I’ve been extremely tired lately. Even when I’m down, 6 hours isof sleep usually plenty for me. Lately I’ve needed more like 10-12. It’s likely my vitamin D3 bottoming out again, but I need to verify that.
So, I’m writing this from my hotel room in Pittsburgh. I’m here so often that I’m on a first name basis with the staff and we know the names of each other’s spouses, kids, interests outside of work, where they are from, etc. Though it’s nice to see familiar people, I miss being home more. My new manager who started a little over a couple of months ago is trying to help by traveling in my place to other cities, but I’m still pretty swamped and home usually only on weekends, save another day here and there. The week before lady was 5 days in Pittsburgh, followed by a 5 day trip to Rhode Island for a wedding last week, Pittsburgh this week, Cincinnati next week followed by Pittsburgh for the second half of the week. Hopefully this lets up soon..
Being sick while traveling is hard.. You’re exhausted to begin with from either hours in the car, or stuck in the airport for delayed flights (I’m looking at you, American Airlines and United Airline), layovers, etc. Once I finish at my customer tomorrow I’ll travel home and likely go to an urgent care either about midnight, or on Saturday morning. I should have gone today, but I laid down to nap as soon as I finished for the day and didn’t wake until a little while ago. This has all the telltale signs of a bad sinus infection and some sort of upper respiratory thing. I had hoped it would resolve itself, but it’s been over a week and is getting worse. I should probably cancel my flights for Sunday night now, then drive to Cincinnati Monday night, provided I’m on the mend by then. At least that way, if I need to head home early or can get away early I can head home. Maybe I’ll keep my Pittsburgh flights.. That’s a brutal dive when you’re tired and not feeling well.
Missing Monday wouldn’t be a big thing as I’m taking care of internal company tasks, but missing any more than that screws everything up. I’m booked out for weeks, and I can’t simply reschedule with a customer and put them at the end of the list. It usually takes 8-10 hours to contact everyone and reschedule accordingly. That just puts me behind another day or two.. That’s 4-5 different customers, one day rack for every week until mid November.
I’m also feeling guilty. I’ve been irritable with my wife and have snapped at her a could of times. Both times were completely unwarranted. She’s about the only non-stressful part of my life right now. It’s not fair to her, and it’s not righ. I need to apologize and try to make it up to her when I see her on Saturday.
Still wanting to give up. It’s edging on needing to give up. I’m not sure what to do at this point. It’s not situational. Has nothing to do with that. It’s just the soul crushing depression. I don’t want to mess with medication changes. That could make things even worse. I’ve been self medicating lately with alcohol, which isn’t healthy on a number of levels. I’d see about finding a therapist I could Skype with after hours, but frankly, there’s nothing to talk about. I know about self-care, positive thinking, CBT techniques, distractions, mindfulness, reframing my perspective, etc. I’ve been through all that and practice it. The only thing I can’t do is have a regular routine. What do you do when there’s nothing left? ECT? Finding a doctor that will do ketamine injections on the regular? TMS? That all requires being in one place for long enough to do the therapies. Since I’m in Pittsburgh so much, maybe I can see if I can see someone at Carnegie Mellon university.. I’m really hesitant about ECT as it can have rather bad cognitive effects, both in the short and long term. My intellect is me. It’s what makes me who I am. I don’t want to risk losing that. It’s not a statistically large risk, but large enough to give me pause.
Time for sleep. I need to be in the middle of frigging nowhere in Ohio tomorrow at 9:00 a.m.