Here is is Monday night and I already feel beat. In other news, after talking with the psychiatrist, we’ve decided to double my dose of Lexapro to try to battle the depression that’s seeped in. I’ve been mostly honest with her about how I’ve really been doing, but I should probably come clean about how strong the suicidal ideations are. It’s logically and objectively making sense to me, which isn’t a good thing.

I know there’s more than this.. Than existing, I mean. It’s not as bad as it can get, but I see that coming in the coming in the near future. Every time I think I know how bad it can get, it seems to surprise me by finding a new low. I’ve been self-medicating with alcohol some nights, which I really shouldn’t do, aside from the obvious, but even for health reasons alone. It’s not a regular thing, at least. I hadn’t had a drink in a couple of weeks, and tonight I’ve only had some. Not even enough to get a buzz.

I’m conflicted about telling my wife how I’m really doing. I owe her that much.. For the hell I’ve put her through with my mental illness, I owe her that much. On the other hand, for what I’ve put her though, I feel I owe it to her to keep it to myself. I’ve burdened her with this too much as it stands.. I don’t know what the hell to do to be honest. Part of me thinks I should leave so that she can find someone else that’s in a much better disposition than me. I know that’s the depression talking, but it’s how I feel either way. To be frank, if it weren’t for her, as cliche as it sounds, I’d not be here at this point. The lows have hit bad enough that I’d not just think about giving up, but would have, or would act on it. I couldn’t do that to her. Other people, yes, but not her. So, I have to figure out a way to push through. Since I have to push though, then I need to figure out a way to make that less miserable. Right now, chemically is about the only option that I see. It’s that, or ECT, or TMS, or Katamine, or whatever else is out there. All of which I could try, some of which would likely cost me my job, which would enter in a whole host of other fucked up problems that would likely make me even more depressed which wouldn’t be good for anyone.

I’ve spent countless hours trying to figure out if what’s going on with me is psychological or chemical. When I look at the world, I think there’s a mix of good and bad in the world. I don’t know what the balance is, but objectively, I think there’s considerably more good in the world than bad, but the bad gets most of the attention so it seems worse than it is. Overall, I am optimistic about most things. If what I experience is indeed mostly chemical, then it stands to reason that there will be breakthroughs within my lifetime that would offer relief. Approaching 40, barring anything unexpected, dare I hold on to hope that some relief can be found within a reasonable time in the next 35-50 years? Will I be so far gone into darkness that I’d even know how to handle being good, much less just ok? I don’t know.. My mind isn’t in a good place tonight. I’ll probably watch a show or something and then go to sleep. That seems to reset my mind pretty well.

Fuck me, this shit gets old..


3 thoughts on “”

  1. “I’ve burdened her with this too much as it stands.” I used a similar version of this line in therapy this afternoon. I feel like if I let others in or tell them how I am really feelings that it will burden them. No one should have to worry about or feel the things that I feel; I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy.

  2. I recognize just about every word of this post. It’s frightening with the suicidal idea becomes logical and sensible. It’s so clear to me as a solution. I also don’t burden my wife with my depression, too much, but she seems to be able to read it anyway. When I was in therapy, I told the doctor just about everything, but that didn’t seem to get me anywhere, so I left after six months of effort.

    I wish I had some hope to extend to you. I have about 20 years on you, which means that much longer coping with my depression. For me, it hasn’t gotten better. I’ve pretty much given up on the idea of any lasting happiness; I’d just like relief from the constant sadness and deep depression.

    Turns out we’re stronger than we know, but that’s not much consolation.

    1. Thank you for your candor. If there’s one thing I can count on, it’s my ability to endure. That’s also the quality that frightens me the most. If there was nothing to gain from therapy, then did your psychiatrist propose that what you are experiencing may be chemical in nature? I had tried pretty much every antidepressant over the years with little to know success. It turned out that a mood stabilizer offered some relief. At least enough that I could continue to push on and function. If you’ve not tried a mood stabilizer, I’d ask about it. It may offer some of the relief you desire.

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