A long overdue update

This will contain what may be considered NSFW as it relates to my vasectomy reversal procedure performed not two months ago.

I’ve been meaning to update on that and a number of other things, but every time I go to update, I sit and stare at a blank post screen, become frustrated and put it off for another day. Repeat this cycle for weeks…

Here’s the hesitation.. I feel like I’m failing. No.. It’s more than a feeling; I am failing at a lot of things and I just don’t want to put it in writing because somehow my my mind it makes it real somehow. It makes me face the realities that are my shortcomings. But, the time has come to face the facts, so here goes.

I’ve not been compliant on my meds. Meds for medical conditions such as hypertension, meds relating to anxiety, meds related to psychiatric needs, meds related to other things that would improve my quality of life. I’ve not been good with my diet and have gained weight. Part of the weight was from the steroids that I was put on to reduce inflammation when some of my stitches tore very prematurely from the surgery. I was on a strong dose for ac couple of weeks and couldn’t seem to consume enough food. Given the level of pain I was in and risking further tearing of stitches (42 left in total), the risk outweighed the benefit. So, I’m now 10lb heavier and struggling to get that off of me. I had plenty to lose before. Because of my lack of consistency with my meds my blood pressure is bordering on dangerously high (upper level of hypertension), my liver function has gone to shit beyond the normal horrible function.

Adding to that mess, I’ve been drinking heavily in an attempt to feel…anything. I know that’s a bad pattern and giving my genetic history, I really should be avoiding alcohol altogether. To put that into perspective, I drink about $60-70 of hard liquor per week. Some weeks are higher, depending on what I’m stocking up on. My wife has called me out on it, so there’s a looming problem waiting to happen on that front if I don’t cut back. That often equates to a bottle of vodka, a bottle of Kahlua and a bottle of Baileys, or on weeks I switch things up, Deserono or B&B on ice. These aren’t a few shots here and there, either. They are regular coffee cups filled to the brim or smaller drinking glasses, sometimes going for refills. It seems the only way to accomplish sleep at night.

Let’s talk a moment about post-op pain. Walking for any distance hurts, even with special supportive underwear that keep my testicles well-supported from hanging freely or moving very much. They aren’t a tight fit in this type of underwear, but it’s still enough that the pressure on the epidermis becomes quite painful after 20 minutes. 40 minutes is enough to immobilize me and have me seeking narcotic pain medications. I’ve been opting for Motrin and ice packs while trying to find any way of sitting or laying that produces the least pain. Sleep is difficult if not impossible when in this pain, hence the heavy alcohol consumption followed by Ambien and Klonopin,usually at double or more the suggested dose. The pain is enough to suck the wind out of you and double you over in pain. So, that’s scrotal and epidermis pain at 8 weeks after mild physical activity.

The point of the surgery, to conceive a child is a challenge at best. Since the surgery mu sex drive has plummeted from before being that of a teenage boy to now a man who fears the pain of sexual intercourse itself, or even moreso, ejaculation. A painful orgasm that causes so much pain you literally run to the bathroom for fear of vomiting from intensity isn’t exactly fun. I’ve read that pain is common for someone who’s had a reversal after as long as I waited. I had waited 18 years for a multitude of reasons, but the main ones being was to wait until I was stable enough to know I could endure depression without suicide for a minimum of 20 years and be able to step up to the significant responsibility of being a present parent. Now rapidly approaching 40, I’m starting to feel like a responsible adult and financially secure enough to provide a life and a future for a child in this world where they stand a chance at a decent future with the right encouragement and the ability to help with the unfair financial burdens put on younger generations in today’s world.

Post conception, I don’t know what my sex life will look like. Sex is a very basic need of mine. Not desire, but need. It’s one of the few things that make me feel human. There’s a whole psychological background attacked to that which relates to abuse early on and some simply fucked up dynamics growing up in general, but it’s something I strive to work around and try to have some semblance of a normal intimate life. If I’m bound to pain moving forward, it may be necessary for my wife and I to renegotiate the nature of our intimacy and I sincerely hope that she’ll not have to go outside of the marriage to get her needs met. I never thought I’d have to consider such an arrangement, but I love and am committed to her enough that I don’t want to deny her her own needs and desired because of an unfortunate surgical mishap.

So.. That’s what’s weighing on me. Well, that and the job. I’ve reached out to a former colleague at a competitor to see if they have something with a more sane travel schedule and a more reasonable travel territory. I’m confident I can make the same if not more at the competitor, but it’s not all about the money. It’s a quality of life thing. I’d take a paycut to be home more. I miss my wife. I’ll really miss my family once one in started.

Surgical complications aside, we do have a plan B. IVF is actually covered under our insurance almost entirely. They can manually extract sperm via a needle and do the IVF that way. As unpleasant as that sounds, it’s pretty much a sure-shot way to go about things. We’ll be having a kind regardless. I’m very pro-adoption and even if we have children naturally, I’d still want to consider adopting kids that are past that age of easy adoption. We have the means to provide good lives for children that otherwise would have a very difficult path in front of them and I don’t need for a child to be of my own genetic background for me to love and care for as my own. I’m simply not hung up on that. I’d like o provide a life for a child that I wasn’t able to have growing up. Or that life that my wife wasn’t able to have rowing up either. It wouldn’t be some projection thing. We’d support whatever path said children want to take in life, but we’d offer the support and encouragement we never received. Paying it forward if you will.. Try to improve future generations by hopefully producing good, stable children who can hit the ground running and have good lives and enrich the lives of others. At least that’s our hope. If their path goes astray, then be there for them and hope they get back on track, but not be overbearing about it. Lord knows I needed my own few decades of fuckups before finding a good path.

Anyway.. That’s about it. I hope you all find yourselves doing well, or as well as to be expected. Those that I communicate with regularly… Sorry for being a hermit. You can always find me on Skype, or I can give my cell number for the occasional text exchange. Please be well.


2 thoughts on “A long overdue update”

  1. I am so sorry to hear! about the drinking… and everything. I am almost speechless now… I hope you have someone to talk about these things. And it`s good that you write too.
    I hope all the good things in your life ❤

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