The wold will go on whether you move with it or stay put

The last few years have been a roller-coaster. Things have settled quite a bit in some aspects of my life, whereas in other areas things have happened that I never, ever anticipated. At this moment though, I feel like I’ve run out of gas. I’ve been tired and short-tempered lately. This last weekend it finally hit me hard. Aside from feeling tired,  I couldn’t get much sleep between nasty headaches and really painful heartburn that I’ve had for a few weeks. I’m getting an endoscopy next week, or sooner if need be. Right now I’m on a diet of water, saltine crackers and Zofran as that’s about all I can tolerate. I managed to get through my flight this morning for work without vomiting, so that’s something.

Some things I didn’t expect over the last 3 years:

  • Getting a job that pays well
  • Getting a house (first house)
  • Deciding that I want children
  • Getting my vasectomy reversed
  • Getting another dog
  • Making it to 40 in spite of depression (almost; less than a month away)
  • Liver and kidney problems getting better, then worse, then better, then worse, rinse and repeat

Those are all but one, good things. On the flip side there’s the depression part. Sadly, that would fall on the list of things I did expect. Monday of next week I see the psychiatrist and I need to decide if this will be the usual three month check-in for refills, or if I tell her that in spite of being chocked full of psychoactive medications that I’m still having days where I seriously weigh the pros and cons of pushing forward. Pushing forward.. That’s about as watered down of a euphemism as I can come up with. I still manage to get out of bed each day, am present and functioning relatively well at work, and hopefully, being a good husband.

So, do I dare say anything, or not? If I were giving advice to a friend, I’d say without hesitation to tell their psychiatrist/doctor that they are still feeling pretty awful. On one hand I don’t want to feel like this more often than not, and on the other I just don’t want to go through the trial and error process of medications. Again. That leads me back to where I weigh pros and cons. I go through these mental gymnastics, but the only option is to push forward. I can either let it crush me or live my life in spite of it.

(I honestly wonder how long I can keep this duality thing up)


4 thoughts on “The wold will go on whether you move with it or stay put”

  1. This is pretty much exactly my frame of mind right now. The dips are going deeper lately, so much so that I forget the occasional level times. I heard myself thinking the other day that the time is coming where I seriously must make a decision whether to “push forward” any longer. I’ve never gone that far down that road. I’m even thinking of trying medication again, if it could somehow relieve the endless, enduring sadness.

    I think the world has more people like us in it than we know.

    1. I’m sorry that you can relate, Paul. I’d not wish this on anyone. If there meds are something that could possibly help, then there’s not much to lose. I think moving forward I’m going to have to consider more drastic approaches, none of which I really want to go through.

      I think you’re right. I’m guessing there are a lot of highly functional people that put on the mask every day and most, if not all are hiding it well enough that few people or even nobody knows.

  2. I’m so glad I found your blog. I can relate pretty much to everything you have described here . It’s exhausting putting on the mask-every bit of my energy goes into functioning day to day. I can’t afford a psychiatrist and getting my meds balanced is a constant pain in the ass. Oh well. Push forward, right? I wish you all the best.

    1. It’s exhausting to put on the mask and fake it every day. It’s more exhausting to try to explain the reality of what you’re going through to others. I’ve had a number of reactions ranging from people that don’t get it and offer canned responses from pamphlets for people going though a temporary tough time to those that I end up having to try to make feel better because their mood has been dragged down too far by my stuff. So.. Silence and a fake smile it is. If it weren’t for sarcasm being an option to respond to most personal questions I think I’d end up hiding in my house all day to just avoid the situations altogether.

      I hope you’re able to afford a psychiatrist soon. I’m lucky in that I’ve been able to see the same one long-term so she knows my thresholds and trusts me when I say I’m not doing well. I’ve had the act going for so long I don’t really have any tells. Anyway.. It’s a cycle and it seems like you see it as such. That makes pushing on more bearable. It’s also daunting though, knowing that it’ll come back at some point likely just as strong.

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