My wife’s ultrasound for checking to see how many follicles had been produced via the hormones taken for fertility was Friday of last week. I was on yet another mandatory work trip. There was only one follicle. The doctor took a blood sample to test if she had enough of a specific hormone. If she did, though not ideal, the IUI would take place the following day. She was sent home to await the results. We spoke briefly before my meetings for the day started and as you’d expect, she was really upset. It hit me much harder than expected, too. I ended up ducking into a nearby room that was empty and lost it. I’m not someone who cries. This wasn’t the case last Friday, and I couldn’t even get it under control. I asked my wife if she wanted me to come home and she said yes.
I sent a text to my manager and told him I had to go home to my wife. I’d be taking the next flight out of Chicago to be with her. He was really concerned and came over and found me still extremely shaken and not really able to speak for being so choked up. He ushered me to his office so I could have some privacy. After about 1/2 hour and a couple of klonopin later, I was at least somewhat sorted. I went back into the room I had been working in before the call, quickly grabbed my things and left.
Tuesday of last week my wife informed me that she had had enough with my work schedule. She wants me to find another job. I may have already posted this, but I’m tired and stressed and not going to go back and look. So, that conversation was had with my manager on Thursday night. I leveled with him and he said to always put my family first; which I always have, but in recent months my saying no to unplanned trips has been overridden several times, and not from management in my group. He said my best option would be to find work closer to home. I appreciate his honesty and already knew that would have to be the most likely scenario.
I reached out to one of my very few work friends and explained the situation to her. She said the company would be f’ing stupid to let me go because two of the ten offices I support can’t honor preset schedules. I agree, but here we are. She called a couple of managers in another division of the company and explained my situation and told them about me and the types of things I work on. They asked for a resume, so that was sent off this morning. We’ll see what, if anything, comes of that.
This morning I had a conversation with my manager and senior director asking what would be necessary for me to have the right work/life balance as they don’t want to lose me. I laid out the specifics, the most important thing right now being present with my wife for all fertility visits and procedures. It’s no longer even something to discuss. Those days are blacklisted for work and travel. They had me contact HR to try to get FMLA paperwork started. That way, no matter who in the company demands my time, they can’t do anything to force me. As we’re having this conversation, I’m choking back tears. I’ve been a wreck since Friday. I went in to see my GP and asked to be put on a beta blocker. I do have medical reasons that would warrant it, but mainly I just want the physiological affects of stress or panic to be minimized until things settle down a bit. I can’t function like this. The GP said to clear the idea with the psychiatrist, which I did tonight. Hopefully the script can be sent in and picked up Wednesday before I leave for Pittsburgh.
I’m at a loss. I feel defeated. I’m tired. Exhausted, even. The depression has been extremely bad for the last few days. I’m laying in bed typing this out on my phone because I need to get some of it out of my system. I had to fight back telling my wife that she deserves better than this. Than me. Someone who can be present and not depressed more often than not. I know that’s the depression talking, but I feel this way on such a deep and visceral level.
I don’t know where I was going with this post.. I guess I’ll just end it and try to get some sleep. My wife’s birthday is tomorrow. I hope I wake in better spirits than I did this morning.