All posts by C

I'm a male in his mid 30's and was diagnosed in 2012 as having Bipolar II Disorder. My earliest memory of being bipolar was at around age 5. This is my journal, starting several months into treatment which consists of therapy and medication.

Professional courtesy 

Late yesterday afternoon one of the reps that I support didn’t check with me about availability and sent out a meeting invite to myself and the a customer’s senior management for mid afternoon today. I’m usually booked out weeks in advance, but for conference calls I usually am able to get one scheduled for before 9, after 4 or around lunchtime as I can use my lunch break and participate in the call. This is the second time in two months that this rep has done this, then was a real prick when I asked to reschedule. Yesterday was no exception. He’s also committed full on-site days at customers without checking with me first on several occasions. 

I support 9 offices spread out through the Midwest, hence my extensive travel. For those 9 offices I support 1 director each, roughly 10-20 reps depending on the size of the city it serves,, roughly 7-13 techs for each branch as well as hundreds of customers. I always follow up and always take care of things in a timely manner. This rep is the *only* one in 3 1/2 years that just doesn’t seem to get it.

I was professional in the email exchange that followed, but made it extremely clear that he’ll get 15 minutes of my time today, but no more.

I shouldn’t have to teach a man in his mid 50’s the concept of professional courtesy. I’ll be on the call so the company doesn’t look bad, not him. 

Endoscopy 

Nothing was clearly visible. Biopsies were taken from my esophagus, stomach and the connective tissue to the rest of my digestive tract where it meets with the stomach. I really hope pathology can come back with an answer, and soon. 

I borrowed a coworker’s camera body to see if I like it or not. My old camera is about 12 years old now, so it’s time to think about getting something newer. I’d like to get a full-frame, but considering I’ve barely shot in the last 3 1/2 years, I just can’t justify the expense. A used 70D may be ok for getting back into it. At some point over the next few weeks I’ll decide if I want it, then talk with my wife about it. Continue reading

The wold will go on whether you move with it or stay put

The last few years have been a roller-coaster. Things have settled quite a bit in some aspects of my life, whereas in other areas things have happened that I never, ever anticipated. At this moment though, I feel like I’ve run out of gas. I’ve been tired and short-tempered lately. This last weekend it finally hit me hard. Aside from feeling tired,  I couldn’t get much sleep between nasty headaches and really painful heartburn that I’ve had for a few weeks. I’m getting an endoscopy next week, or sooner if need be. Right now I’m on a diet of water, saltine crackers and Zofran as that’s about all I can tolerate. I managed to get through my flight this morning for work without vomiting, so that’s something.

Some things I didn’t expect over the last 3 years:

  • Getting a job that pays well
  • Getting a house (first house)
  • Deciding that I want children
  • Getting my vasectomy reversed
  • Getting another dog
  • Making it to 40 in spite of depression (almost; less than a month away)
  • Liver and kidney problems getting better, then worse, then better, then worse, rinse and repeat

Those are all but one, good things. On the flip side there’s the depression part. Sadly, that would fall on the list of things I did expect. Monday of next week I see the psychiatrist and I need to decide if this will be the usual three month check-in for refills, or if I tell her that in spite of being chocked full of psychoactive medications that I’m still having days where I seriously weigh the pros and cons of pushing forward. Pushing forward.. That’s about as watered down of a euphemism as I can come up with. I still manage to get out of bed each day, am present and functioning relatively well at work, and hopefully, being a good husband.

So, do I dare say anything, or not? If I were giving advice to a friend, I’d say without hesitation to tell their psychiatrist/doctor that they are still feeling pretty awful. On one hand I don’t want to feel like this more often than not, and on the other I just don’t want to go through the trial and error process of medications. Again. That leads me back to where I weigh pros and cons. I go through these mental gymnastics, but the only option is to push forward. I can either let it crush me or live my life in spite of it.

(I honestly wonder how long I can keep this duality thing up)

Behind schedule

I’m at a client site today. I’ve been working with this client since the new year, which is oddly long to be still working on a project. I run an incredibly tight schedule with a few delays built in because things rarely ever work out perfectly. People get sick, or emergencies come up, etc. Because of how booked up I am though, even with planning for problems, once that schedule has been exhausted, moving forward to complete a project is incredibly difficult. That’s where we are with this client. I gave them 5 weeks to get back on track on their end, then walked in this morning to find that essentially, nothing has happened since I was here last. 

I’m not sure how this will play out moving forward. I can’t forward-fill my every free day with them indefinitely. Because of this, Friday won’t be an in-office day as I had planned. I’ll also likely be working through the weekend again as result.

I’m tired. I’ve had a stomache thing going on for days that isn’t improving. I need downtime in the worst way. 

Sorry for the complaining. This is just frustrating. I only have work to write about because that’s all that my life is at the moment. Work. Grrr…

A little better, and more of an update

So, I’m several days back into being compliant with my medications. The doc also prescribed Adderall for my trouble focusing, though she did bring up the point that I may just have too many things going on at work and home with all the travel, planning for travel, managing 23 active clients who need training or support from me, programming a $750k project from scratch, implementing three web to print solutions, managing three customers who are having color issues with their jobs (each is either environmental or operator – machines are fine), learning the new software solutions introduced last week at corporate, working on two certifications and learning javascript, HTML5 and CSS3 on the fly because one software vendor we support completely shifted their design tool to use web based standards for designing instead of their really nice designer tool.

Add to all that, trying to get my wife pregnant with a scrot’ that hurts still (this has improved a lot since my last post), planning and paying for the in-laws to visit for a couple of weeks, and keeping things up around the house/yard, dealing with specialist appointments for fertility checking, liver disease kidney disease, and a mild autoimmune difficiency.

So.. It’s possible she’s right. To be fair, though, she agrees not much can change in the short-term. So.. Amphetamines! Not ideal, but it does work.

I was up until midnight the night before last and finished more on that massive programming deal in 9 hours than I had in the last week. I was even able to solve two coding problems because the information I’m converting has some sloppy code in it from where the original developer apparently decided to deviate from standard practices Part of the project is converting a huge library of Delphax forms to PDF’s to use as background. If you’ve ever tried to hand-code PostScript or PDF, you can appreciate the challenge I’m facing. Which reminds me.. I’ve another client with something I coded a huge solution for before that they’ve changed something and have no idea how to update my code.. I need to give them a call and walk them through it.

So, yeah, work. I’m booked out for the next 7 weeks solid. If I get sick in there, I’m completely screwed and whatever customer has been waiting an unreasonable amount of time for me would also be screwed. I’ve been sick twice over the last couple of months and went to one of those urgent care clinics that have popped up everywhere, gotten whatever was needed to treat my problem, loaded up on cold meds and trained customers completely hands-off on mt part (pint, click here, etc).

I’ve also decided to start eating better, and less overall. I need to lose weight. As my sister-in-law would put it, I’ve blown up like a tick over the last three years living off from restaurant food without regard to the ingredients and having an aversion to veggies. The advantage and disadvantage to being an adult.. You can eat whatever the hell you want, and I apparently eat my feelings.