Tag Archives: bipolar disorder

I’m long overdue for a post of some sort. Nothing new to report here as things are pretty much the same routine day in and day out. I’m dealing with some really bad depression and it has me doing that whole withdraw from people thing. That includes online. That said, I’m going to try to get some sleep. Hope everyone is doing well, or at the very least, better than I am.

Can’t wait for this cycle to pass.

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Failing

Tonight I’ve had to o much to drink. Actually, anything is too much to drink, given that I have liver disease. It’s genetic, but drinking certainly doesn’t help matters any.

So, why drink? I want to be numb. Emotionally I want to be numb, but all I’ve managed is my nose and face being numb.

I’ve been struggling for awhile now, but can’t seem to shake it. I’m having trouble getting out of bed in the morning lately, which is new for me. I’ve always been high functioning when the lows hit. Today I did laundry (work clothes only) and mowed the lawn. The lawn was because I neglected it for a couple of weeks, so the mower was choking every so often from the long grass. These are major accomplishments in my world right now…

Tomorrow and the rest of the week I’ll be going to a client site. I’ll need to interact closely with the production and IT staff to make sure the solution I’m programming will fit their needs. I’ll be doing this as every fiber of my being wants to just end it all. It’s not just a desire, but more of a pressing need. I know this isn’t healthy. I know it’s not logical. I have a good life, at least now I do. Things were bad growing up, at least until 17 when I left home, then things went bad again at 21 when my best friend killed herself. I used to feel so much surrounding that.. Grief, loss, anger, hatred, disbelief, sometimes individually, sometimes all at once. At around ~29 I started to move on with my life. I didn’t start dysfunctional relationships after that. I married again at 32 and have been happily married since then. I have a good marriage, a good job/career, a nice home and even a couple of good friends. How dare I feel depressed enough to want to die? With all that I have, how dare I? I feel as though I’m crawling out of my skin. I can’t shake the sadness and deep sense of hopelessness and despair.

I’m well-medicated. I have the best mental health care that money and insurance can buy. It’s not as bad when I’m medicated. It’s tolerable. It’s just good enough that I can exist from day to day. I can get up and do all the adult things I need to do. I’m mostly empty, though. I see no hope in feeling better. I know that realistically within my life, advances will be made in medication and overall treatment of severe depression. Am I willing to wait for that inevitability? Not really. Will I? Yes. I owe that much to my wife. I’m at peace with her, or mostly so. Enough to keep me here. I know what it’s like when someone you love takes their own life. I’ll not put her through that. So, I have to hold onto hope.. Hope that in the next few years, or at worst, decades, that advances will be made and effective help will come. Until then, I’ll continue existing, being a ghost in my own life. Existing day to day in the shell of whomever I used to be. I remember a better me.. A me capable of happiness and joy on a sustained basis, but that me is such a distant memory that I don’t recognize him. He died a long time ago, his body just kept pushing on and going through the motions. Once in awhile something real happened, like when I met my wife. That was real. It’s still real. I feel so selfish and like a piece of shit for wanting to leave this life before its natural end. I feel like a fraud. A failure. I’m unrecognizable to myself. I’m unrecognizable to those who know and loved me. My friends have all put distance between themselves and me. My family as well. My wife can tell something’s wrong, but how do you tell someone you love that you’re feeling this way; again?

In 2012 I had a breakdown. After one of the only arguments we’ve ever had, I ended up checking in for the first, and hopefully last time into a mental hospital. After a week I was freed. The depression had mostly passed and I could trust myself once again. Am I to that point now? No, not now, at least. I’m doing the best I can, but I feel myself slipping, day by day, minute by minute.

I don’t know what to do.. I see my psychiatrist in a couple of weeks and I’ll come clean with her as to where I’m at with things. She’ll likely prescribe some time off from work and some R&R. It won’t make a difference, though. I’ll just spend the time in bed. That’s what I do when I travel for work – go to the client during the day and then go to sleep at 6:00, followed by forcing myself out of bed at 6:00am. Repeat.When I’m home I do the minimal – dishes, occasionally laundry, let the dogs out, and take care of the lawn. Other than that, I’m lazy and sleep a lot. I watch a lot of Netflix. I’m just at a loss. I feel hollow. I’m tired.. So very tired. I don’t know how long I can keep existing like this. I’m not in any danger now, but if things continue like this, at some point, I’ll need to check into a hospital again. On some level I’d hope that would work, but on another level I know that would just prolong things. When is it ok to say that you’ve fought the good fight and lost? I don’t care if people call me weak, or that I simply took the easy way out, but should things be this fucked up to begin with? I have a good life. I simply can’t enjoy most of it. Depression knows no social or economic bounds. We’re very well off and I don’t have anxiety about most of the things people worry about in life. What the hell is wrong with me?

New bipolar community

I know I’ve not written in forever.. I’ve been incredibly busy with work and home and have been fighting a nasty bout of depression, too. Anyway, that’s not what this post is about.

Recently it was announced that bipolardisorderconnect.com was shutting down for good. It had an excellent community of members and they were always supportive of each other as well as offering support and information to people just joining who have been diagnosed, are the loved ones of someone diagnosed, or simply wondering if they should be exploring the possibility that they may have bipolar disorder. Some members moved to a new mobile app and that seems to be a good fit for them. Personally, I prefer forums for support. After some digging I found a forum software that works on regular computers as well as mobile devices without the need to install anything. I’ve set up the domain name and hosting for the next two years. I don’t foresee not renewing long-term if a decent community is started and interacts with each other. The site is http://www.bipolarlink.com. Feel free to sign up. It may take awhile to get a number of members, but you have to start somewhere.

It’s been seemingly forever since I’ve posted. I’ve a few drafts that never managed to get published. I’ve wondered why I can’t seem to find anything to say. To be truthful though, it’s more that I’m embarrassed and ashamed of what I have to say. I’ve been depressed again for the last few months. Some days are ok, but most aren’t. My life continues to go on, but I feel like I’m asleep in the passenger seat or on a ride that nobody else can see full of dark and winding trails. So, there it is. I’ve been fighting it will all of my being and yet I feel somewhat defeated. I feel like I should be doing better. I take my meds consistently; I never miss a dose. I follow the advice and do the things I’ve been taught in therapy when things get bad. I survive. Actually, survive is generous. I exist. I’m baffled by this. I feel like an entitled prick. I have a wonderful marriage, a great job, we just bought a house and aside from a few things, am in good health, yet I have the audacity to be depressed. How dare I? What the hell do I have to be depressed about? Anything bad that’s happened happened long ago. It’s been dealt with and talked to death in therapy.

I don’t really know what else to say. United changed my damn gate again, so I get to go trotting across O’Hare again.

Still alive, of sorts

So, here I sit at a client site waiting for some necessary paperwork to be able to finish up my installation here. I’ve been waiting for the better part of 3 hours and have called about 12 people to get this info with no luck. The IT staff that I’ve been sharing space with just went for lunch, so I have a moment to update my blog.

As I mentioned in my last post, I’ve not been doing well at all. Work stress is a major contributor, or in technical terms as it relates to Bipolar, it’s triggering me. Regardless, I’ve wracked my brain to find a way to come up with some balance that has me home more along the lines of what I had signed up for with travel (40-50%) rather than the usual 70-75%. Aside from being away, it’s also draining. Long days, long layovers in the airport, constant flight delays and cancellations, etc. What I’ve decided to do is be gone 4 days every other week. Red eye it out at 6:00am from the airport near me (30 minute drive from home), which means I need to leave my house no later than 5:00am, be clean shaven, business dress and all of my stuff needed for such trips. Do a half day the first day in the city that the staff gives me the most problems, then a full day with them on Tuesday. Tuesday night, fly out late getting into Pittsburgh at midnight, provided things run on time, get settled into my hotel room around 1:00am, catch a little sleep and be at the office or customer location at 9:00am. Another full day in Pittsburgh, then fly home arriving at midnight (again, if everything runs on time), get up and be at my office (40 minute drive) or a client location that’s anywhere from 30 minutes away to 2 1/2 hours. That’s going to be my life every other week starting August 10th. Next week I’m Pittsburgh all week, then Ohio the next after a full day of cardio examination, then New York for 3 days, followed by 4 days off. I swear.. I need some amphetamines just to get through each day..

Anyway, working with the psychiatrist on the not doing so great part. She’s started me on some med called Latuda, that I’ve never heard of, but 3 days in, it might be working. I only feel really shitty today, which is an upgrade from the last couple days. So, that’s it, in a nutshell.

I’ve been in a real bad place lately. That’s part of why I’ve not been posting. I can’t seem to find the words. My psychiatrist and I are changing up my medications again in an attempt to find something that works. At this moment, tonight, it’s not working. Time to knock myself out with my nightly chemical cocktail. May tomorrow be a better day.