Tag Archives: depression treatment

Homesick

I’m feeling pretty down, still. Being sick isn’t helping matters, either. I need to get many bloodwork redrawn as I’ve been extremely tired lately. Even when I’m down, 6 hours isof sleep  usually plenty for me. Lately I’ve needed more like 10-12. It’s likely my vitamin D3 bottoming out again, but I need to verify that.

So, I’m writing this from my hotel room in Pittsburgh. I’m here so often that I’m on a first name basis with the staff and we know the names of each other’s spouses, kids, interests outside of work, where they are from, etc. Though it’s nice to see familiar people, I miss being home more. My new manager who started a little over a couple of months ago is trying to help by traveling in my place to other cities, but I’m still pretty swamped and home usually only on weekends, save another day here and there. The week before lady was 5 days in Pittsburgh, followed by a 5 day trip to Rhode Island for a wedding last week, Pittsburgh this week, Cincinnati next week followed by Pittsburgh for the second half of the week. Hopefully this lets up soon..

Being sick while traveling is hard.. You’re exhausted to begin with from either hours in the car, or stuck in the airport for delayed flights (I’m looking at you, American Airlines and United Airline), layovers, etc. Once I finish at my customer tomorrow I’ll travel home and likely go to an urgent care either about midnight, or on Saturday morning. I should have gone today, but I laid down to nap as soon as I finished for the day and didn’t wake until a little while ago. This has all the telltale signs of a bad sinus infection and some sort of upper respiratory thing. I had hoped it would resolve itself, but it’s been over a week and is getting worse. I should probably cancel my flights for Sunday night now, then drive to Cincinnati Monday night, provided I’m on the mend by then. At least that way, if I need to head home early or can get away early I can head home. Maybe I’ll keep my Pittsburgh flights.. That’s a brutal dive when you’re tired and not feeling well.

Missing Monday wouldn’t be a big thing as I’m taking care of internal company tasks, but missing any more than that screws everything up. I’m booked out for weeks, and I can’t simply reschedule with a customer and put them at the end of the list. It usually takes 8-10 hours to contact everyone and reschedule accordingly. That just puts me behind another day or two.. That’s 4-5 different customers, one day rack for every week until mid November.
I’m also feeling guilty. I’ve been irritable with my wife and have snapped at her a could of times. Both times were completely unwarranted. She’s about the only non-stressful part of my life right now. It’s not fair to her, and it’s not righ. I need to apologize and try to make it up to her when I see her on Saturday.

Still wanting to give up. It’s edging on needing to give up. I’m not sure what to do at this point. It’s not situational. Has nothing to do with that. It’s just the soul crushing depression. I don’t want to mess with medication changes. That could make things even worse. I’ve been self medicating lately with alcohol, which isn’t healthy on a number of levels. I’d see about finding a therapist I could Skype with after hours, but frankly, there’s nothing to talk about. I know about self-care, positive thinking, CBT techniques, distractions, mindfulness, reframing my perspective, etc. I’ve been through all that and practice it. The only thing I can’t do is have a regular routine. What do you do when there’s nothing left? ECT? Finding a doctor that will do ketamine injections on the regular? TMS? That all requires being in one place for long enough to do the therapies. Since I’m in Pittsburgh so much, maybe I can see if I can see someone at Carnegie Mellon university.. I’m really hesitant about ECT as it can have rather bad cognitive effects, both in the short and long term. My intellect is me. It’s what makes me who I am. I don’t want to risk losing that. It’s not a statistically large risk, but large enough to give me pause.

Time for sleep. I need to be in the middle of frigging nowhere in Ohio tomorrow at 9:00 a.m.

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Failing

Tonight I’ve had to o much to drink. Actually, anything is too much to drink, given that I have liver disease. It’s genetic, but drinking certainly doesn’t help matters any.

So, why drink? I want to be numb. Emotionally I want to be numb, but all I’ve managed is my nose and face being numb.

I’ve been struggling for awhile now, but can’t seem to shake it. I’m having trouble getting out of bed in the morning lately, which is new for me. I’ve always been high functioning when the lows hit. Today I did laundry (work clothes only) and mowed the lawn. The lawn was because I neglected it for a couple of weeks, so the mower was choking every so often from the long grass. These are major accomplishments in my world right now…

Tomorrow and the rest of the week I’ll be going to a client site. I’ll need to interact closely with the production and IT staff to make sure the solution I’m programming will fit their needs. I’ll be doing this as every fiber of my being wants to just end it all. It’s not just a desire, but more of a pressing need. I know this isn’t healthy. I know it’s not logical. I have a good life, at least now I do. Things were bad growing up, at least until 17 when I left home, then things went bad again at 21 when my best friend killed herself. I used to feel so much surrounding that.. Grief, loss, anger, hatred, disbelief, sometimes individually, sometimes all at once. At around ~29 I started to move on with my life. I didn’t start dysfunctional relationships after that. I married again at 32 and have been happily married since then. I have a good marriage, a good job/career, a nice home and even a couple of good friends. How dare I feel depressed enough to want to die? With all that I have, how dare I? I feel as though I’m crawling out of my skin. I can’t shake the sadness and deep sense of hopelessness and despair.

I’m well-medicated. I have the best mental health care that money and insurance can buy. It’s not as bad when I’m medicated. It’s tolerable. It’s just good enough that I can exist from day to day. I can get up and do all the adult things I need to do. I’m mostly empty, though. I see no hope in feeling better. I know that realistically within my life, advances will be made in medication and overall treatment of severe depression. Am I willing to wait for that inevitability? Not really. Will I? Yes. I owe that much to my wife. I’m at peace with her, or mostly so. Enough to keep me here. I know what it’s like when someone you love takes their own life. I’ll not put her through that. So, I have to hold onto hope.. Hope that in the next few years, or at worst, decades, that advances will be made and effective help will come. Until then, I’ll continue existing, being a ghost in my own life. Existing day to day in the shell of whomever I used to be. I remember a better me.. A me capable of happiness and joy on a sustained basis, but that me is such a distant memory that I don’t recognize him. He died a long time ago, his body just kept pushing on and going through the motions. Once in awhile something real happened, like when I met my wife. That was real. It’s still real. I feel so selfish and like a piece of shit for wanting to leave this life before its natural end. I feel like a fraud. A failure. I’m unrecognizable to myself. I’m unrecognizable to those who know and loved me. My friends have all put distance between themselves and me. My family as well. My wife can tell something’s wrong, but how do you tell someone you love that you’re feeling this way; again?

In 2012 I had a breakdown. After one of the only arguments we’ve ever had, I ended up checking in for the first, and hopefully last time into a mental hospital. After a week I was freed. The depression had mostly passed and I could trust myself once again. Am I to that point now? No, not now, at least. I’m doing the best I can, but I feel myself slipping, day by day, minute by minute.

I don’t know what to do.. I see my psychiatrist in a couple of weeks and I’ll come clean with her as to where I’m at with things. She’ll likely prescribe some time off from work and some R&R. It won’t make a difference, though. I’ll just spend the time in bed. That’s what I do when I travel for work – go to the client during the day and then go to sleep at 6:00, followed by forcing myself out of bed at 6:00am. Repeat.When I’m home I do the minimal – dishes, occasionally laundry, let the dogs out, and take care of the lawn. Other than that, I’m lazy and sleep a lot. I watch a lot of Netflix. I’m just at a loss. I feel hollow. I’m tired.. So very tired. I don’t know how long I can keep existing like this. I’m not in any danger now, but if things continue like this, at some point, I’ll need to check into a hospital again. On some level I’d hope that would work, but on another level I know that would just prolong things. When is it ok to say that you’ve fought the good fight and lost? I don’t care if people call me weak, or that I simply took the easy way out, but should things be this fucked up to begin with? I have a good life. I simply can’t enjoy most of it. Depression knows no social or economic bounds. We’re very well off and I don’t have anxiety about most of the things people worry about in life. What the hell is wrong with me?

Defeated

Do you ever have one of those days that you feel defeated? One of those weeks? Months? Years? I’m exhausted, both physically and emotionally. Work has seeped a lot out of me. Most of my lack of posting has been due to the grueling hours of travel and need for actual physical rest. There are two days left until the weekend, and both are to be incredibly busy at home and work. We have a friend flying out for the weekend and we need to finish getting the guest bedroom in order. At least the bed is all put together finally.

I’ve been on Latuda now for a couple months, mixed with my normal regimen of Lamictal and Lexapro. So far it seems to be doing well, but tonight I’m feeling as unnerved as I was prior to medication that worked. I’m dreading fall and winter with the shorter hours of daylight and the shades of white, gray and brown. Winter is always tough..

I guess that’s about it for now. Not much is going on that I care to put into writing.

Still alive, of sorts

So, here I sit at a client site waiting for some necessary paperwork to be able to finish up my installation here. I’ve been waiting for the better part of 3 hours and have called about 12 people to get this info with no luck. The IT staff that I’ve been sharing space with just went for lunch, so I have a moment to update my blog.

As I mentioned in my last post, I’ve not been doing well at all. Work stress is a major contributor, or in technical terms as it relates to Bipolar, it’s triggering me. Regardless, I’ve wracked my brain to find a way to come up with some balance that has me home more along the lines of what I had signed up for with travel (40-50%) rather than the usual 70-75%. Aside from being away, it’s also draining. Long days, long layovers in the airport, constant flight delays and cancellations, etc. What I’ve decided to do is be gone 4 days every other week. Red eye it out at 6:00am from the airport near me (30 minute drive from home), which means I need to leave my house no later than 5:00am, be clean shaven, business dress and all of my stuff needed for such trips. Do a half day the first day in the city that the staff gives me the most problems, then a full day with them on Tuesday. Tuesday night, fly out late getting into Pittsburgh at midnight, provided things run on time, get settled into my hotel room around 1:00am, catch a little sleep and be at the office or customer location at 9:00am. Another full day in Pittsburgh, then fly home arriving at midnight (again, if everything runs on time), get up and be at my office (40 minute drive) or a client location that’s anywhere from 30 minutes away to 2 1/2 hours. That’s going to be my life every other week starting August 10th. Next week I’m Pittsburgh all week, then Ohio the next after a full day of cardio examination, then New York for 3 days, followed by 4 days off. I swear.. I need some amphetamines just to get through each day..

Anyway, working with the psychiatrist on the not doing so great part. She’s started me on some med called Latuda, that I’ve never heard of, but 3 days in, it might be working. I only feel really shitty today, which is an upgrade from the last couple days. So, that’s it, in a nutshell.

I’ve been in a real bad place lately. That’s part of why I’ve not been posting. I can’t seem to find the words. My psychiatrist and I are changing up my medications again in an attempt to find something that works. At this moment, tonight, it’s not working. Time to knock myself out with my nightly chemical cocktail. May tomorrow be a better day.

Spent

I think I’ve hit the wall.. The anxiety and depression are wearing on me. The new meds – who knows if they’ll work or not, or there’s the slight chance they could actually make things worse.. I’m getting unreasonable demands at work, which is a first since I started there a year and a half ago. I’m exhausted.. Physically, mentally and emotionally exhausted. Oh, and I’m getting sick. I think I’d be able to manage the work stress/demands better, but mixed with being symptomatic with the bipolar, it’s a bit much. I’ve so much more to do, but it’s approaching 10 and I’m spent. G’night. 5:00am will be here before I know it.

I’m still feeling really down. On a scale of 0 to 10, I’m at about a 7-8. It’s still bearable, but at this rate it won’t be for much longer. I saw the psychiatrist yesterday and let her know how things were going with the new medication. She’s changed up the antidepressant meds but kept the mood stabilizer the same. I think that if we changed the mood stabilizer that all hell would break loose in me right now. You know when you have surgery of some sort or an injury that takes at least 2-3 weeks to start to not hurt as bad? You know, it still hurts a lot, but it’s bearable and tolerable, provided you don’t move. That’s basically where I’m at emotionally. If things remain somewhat calm around me, I’ll be able to endure. If someone rocks the boat though.. It likely won’t end well for either of us. I’m not one to ever become physically violent or anything like that. I just have absolutely no energy to deal with bullshit right now. I’m looking at you, certain office in the midwest who wastes my time and energy.

So, I have a new boss, too. He sent out one of those inspiring quote things to our group first thing Monday morning to set the week off on the right foot. Monday was a clusterfuck. I replied with one of my favorite quotes in the afternoon stating that it fit in the context of the day (not directed at him):

“I can explain it to you, but I can’t comprehend it for you.” – Ed Koch

Luckily for me, this new boss has a sense of humor. You’d not believe how conservative the company I work for is.

On an unrelated note – Comcast sucks. I know everyone knows this and they’ve likely even said that more than a few times over the years, but man, they really, really suck. I wouldn’t be so hard on them if they didn’t charge a ton of money every month for internet that they have the monopoly on the local market with, but the actual service itself is haphazard at best. After several visits, different line techs checking outside and such, they’ve come up with nothing. Maybe we’re living on top of the gateway to some dark place or something. All I know is I’m liking having to drive with my laptop and a power inverter to Barnes and Noble, or after hours, sit in a Wholefoods parking lot to syphon bandwidth to get work done. FYI: Wholefoods is probably giving everyone far too much radiation exposure while they shop for organic food because the broadcast distance for their guest wi-fi is not only impressive, but they give guests an actual decent amount of bandwidth. I downloaded a damn Linux .iso from from the outskirts of their parking lot last week. It was like war driving – old school.